i have struggled

fulfilling the role

assigned to me

–

man

as perceived by

men

and women

–

to adhere to the strict doctrine of

masculinity

supported by

overbearing

phallic totems

–

impersonal

patriarchal systems

dictate

who and how

we are

–

i have questioned

been questioned

by myself

by lovers

by strangers

–

frustrated

not living

up to expectations

–

i am emotional and

despise it

soft

yet yearn

to be hard

passive

even when aggressive

–

tastes and tendencies

cross

dress down the facade

of boorish arrogance

propped up

to play the character

–

feminine traits draw

attention and

jeering

corrective action

–

so i cover her up

in baggy clothes and

stoic emotionlessness

speak in logic

deny the fantastic

avoid intimacy

and walk in the most straightforward direction

–

even though

i want anything but